Hello Oxymoron! [25 Sep 2005|05:37pm] [ mood | giddy ] [ music | An Education in Rebellion (CD) - The Union Underground ] Ok so I just read through my other entries and realized the latest one was kinda off from the rest. In all the others I said how much I loved Holly and all that good stuff, but I was neglecting to talk about how clingy she is. And how it was annoying. And how she loved me way way more than I loved her, which was bad. Back then, I really did love her a lot and tried to just get over these things. But the more I got out and about, the more apparent it was to me about how clingy she is. And... this is going to sound bad... but it felt to me like at the end of our relationship it was just a sex thing. I mean we never even would talk much. We'd get together, do our thing, and that was it. I didn't want just a relationship for sex. That sucks. All the issues I had with her had just been building up until finally I had a good reason to break it off with her. So yeah... hopefully this answers some questions about how I went from "OMG I love Holly!" to "OMG I finally broke up with Holly cause I really needed to!" post comment

OMG I gotta update this shit! [25 Sep 2005|04:53pm] [ mood | optimistic ] [ music | Ten Thousand Fists (CD) - Disturbed ] Wow its been forever since i've written in this. I just got busy and yeah... forgot about my little journal dearest. Mmmk... so when we left off, I was still all hung-up on Cindy and pissed off at Wright. Since then, they've broken up as everyone expected and they both realize why what they did was such a fucked up thing to do to me and they're both sorry, blah blah blah. Nothing special. I still think Wright is a jackass for doing that but we still talk and I just know not to really trust him with my personal affairs anymore. As for Cindy, she's moved on from me for sure. She's already had some other relationships so I'm glad that she's happy again. I'll always love her, but we can't be together so I kind of just do my own thing. Me and Holly.... meh. As I've always said, she's way too clingy and jealous and fuck it was just so annoying! I never broke up with her because I didn't have enough of a reason to bring myself to break her heart. I knew we weren't going to last deep down, everyone I talked to knew that's how I felt too. So then I met this girl... Ashley. For starters, she's drop dead gorgeous which is how I noticed her in the first place. But then I got to know her and she's just really great. We have a lot in common so we can have decent conversations but at the same time we're different in some ways so I never get bored of her. We just clicked. Enough for me to decide it was over between me and Holly. I had met some other girls before that I kinda liked and considered breaking it off with Holly for, but something about Ashley made it really clear to me what I had to do. So... I came home really late one night from working and decided not to call Holly because I figured she was asleep and I didn't want to wake her up. At 4am she calls me and she's all upset and pissed off that I didn't call her. Wtf. She said I "must not love her as much as I always said because I didn't call her." Thats bullshit. It was like the first time I haven't called her in months. One time I don't call and she's having a stroke. And then, since it was so late, she decided to play 20 questions with me. "Where were you?" "Who were you with?" "What were you doing with them?" etc etc. It all wasn't really fair to me that she couldn't trust me enough to let me go out without her consent. I'm a big girl, I think I can handle it. So that pissed me off and I got off the phone with her. That was the first time I was really leaning towards breaking up with her. Two days later, I came home late again because I had been out chilling with Ashley after work. Again, I didn't call Holly because I didn't want to wake her up and because, quite frankly, I didn't want to hear shit from her about being out with Ashley. The next day at school Holly was acting a little weird First Period. I figured she was a little butthurt that I didn't call her and I left it alone. Second period comes along and she walks up to me with the I'm-really-pissed-off-at-you look and says "You were out with her all night and you couldn't even call me to say hi." That was the last straw. I couldn't handle it. I'm a very independent person and I don't like when other people try to rule me. I hate when people are all suspicious and overly-clingy and omg i just couldnt stand it. I'm my own person and I don't need my jealous girlfriend freaking out because I was out after dark, after all, I already have a mom. I told her we "needed to talk". Oh yes, the words of doom. "We need to talk." Nothing you ever want to hear right after you piss off your girlfriend. So I went to class and Third Period rolls around. I had been mentally preparing myself all hour, so I was ready to do this thang. We were both walking down the hall and she stopped me and said "So you wanted to talk to me... what about?" I couldn't really just spit it out because even though I was mad at her, I knew I was about to break her heart and that hurt me. Like a douchebag, I just stood there and looked at my feet. She pushed it a little more and I just looked at her and said "I want to talk to you about what you're hoping I don't want to talk to you about." ... Her: Oh, so you cheated on me??? Me: Hah... um no. Her: Then you're dumping me for some other girl? Me: ...not necessarily. Her: I can't believe you. I can't believe your dumping me for some other girl AGAIN. Me: I'm not dumping you for some other girl, we just really need to see other people because you're getting too serious about all this and we've only been together a few months. You say I'm the your soulmate and I'm the only for you and all this shit but how do you know since you've never even been with hardly anyone else??? Her: I can't believe your letting this break us up. Me: I'm sorry. Then I hugged her and walked to class. That entire conversation was us pretty much yelling at each other. It was really hard to do because her eyes started watering and I've never heard or seen her cry in all the time i've known her and she has to be hurt bad to cry in front of someone. She went to lunch and I went to class, we were both pretty full of emotions. I went to class on the verge of tears because I knew she was really hurting. I was happy I had finally done it and it was over but at the same time I knew she was feeling horrible and that bothered me. It wasn't that I didn't care about her, we just had to only be friends. Everyone thinks I dumped her for Ashley, it's not true. I broke up with her because of a lot of reasons... wanting Ashley just helped me get that out of my system. After some crying and thinking, I was feeling better later that day. When I got to see Ashley again, it was all worth it to me. She always makes me smile even if she's just sitting around. I don't know what it is, I just like her a lot. Me and Ashley kept hanging out pretty much every day and I liked her and she liked me, but neither of us really had the balls to ask each other out. Finally, I couldn't stand it and I stooped to a new low.... on MYSPACE I sent her a message that said "Hey Ashley... me and you... I think we should be an item." Man i'm so lame. She sent me a message back that said "Hey Emily... me and you... we should have been an item 3 or 4 days ago." I took that as a yes (obviously) and felt a lot better about all the situations that had been taking place lately. So yeah... now me and Ashley are "an item" and that makes me happy. I'm really hoping for the best of us and I think me and her have the potential to be together a long time, I just hope she's feeling the same way because she's really quiet about how she's feeling and I don't want to be some clingy creepy girlfriend haha. Anyhoo, I've had enough livejournal for today so yeah. w0ot for me and my straightening of relationships!!! hahaha! post comment

Sick... and Holly... [01 Aug 2005|03:28pm] [ mood | nauseated ] [ music | Pitiful by Blindside ] Haven't updated this in a day or two so I figured i'd give everyone all the new news. Not much goin' on... i'm still grounded until tomorrow. Today i'm feeling really sick. This morning I got out of the shower and passed out on my bed. I think the heat and the sickness messed me up so thats why I passed out. Anyhoo... the main topic of todays chat is something Holly did yesterday. Holly is really smart in school... she get's straight A's and is in all advanced classes and I love that about her. Well... yesterday she called me and I asked her what she had been up to, like always. She replied with "If I tell you will you yell at me?" ...i think my heart skipped a beat. The first thing in my mind was "Oh god... she cheated on me." but I acted like I was fine and simply asked her what was up. Yesterday she was sitting home by herself and for absolutely no reason at all... she decided to get stoned for the second time in her life. Wtf. She knows I don't want her to be around that kind of shit because i know what it does to your grades and personality by experience and i dont want that for her. I love her and I wouldn't ever want her to harm herself like that. I was pissed. I didn't really say much about it, but I think she could tell I was pissed off. In my opinion it was just a really dumb thing to do. And then her best friend Patty who always tells me to take good care of her and whatnot, is saying shit about me on the phone because i'm influencing Holly to NOT do drugs....wtf. I got off the phone with Holly because I was pretty upset with her so I just needed to think and went for a drive. When I came home, my mom told me my phone had been ringing off the hook... which is unusual. About 2 minutes after that, it rang again. I answered it and it was Holly and the first thing she said was "Are you not answering because you're mad at me and don't want to talk or were you gone?" LoL she knows me well. I told her that I would get over what she did and it was her life so she could do whatever she wanted, but if she smoked, i would prefer if she only did it once in a while instead of making it a habit. I felt so bad. She sounded all sad and pathetic on the phone and she kept saying she was sorry and didn't ever want me to be upset with her. She's sensitive like that though so its ok. I love her and i'll get over this... i'm just disappointed because I know she's smarter than that. I also found out something odd... i was talking to my really good friend Katelynn that morning and we we're talkin about the party that me and Holly first hooked up at. I was laughing at Katelynn about how she always would say "By the end of the night, i'll make-out with you motherfucker!" and then she would just walk away because she was wasted. And then she laughed at me and said "Well by the end of the night i did, it just took a while for me to remember to actually go through with it." ... WHAT? I've lived my whole life thinking wo0t I have never kissed that girl and now.... low and behold... she tells me we made-out on a chair for like 10 minutes with Holly and Cole (Katelynn's boyfriend) standing right there. Wow... I never knew. post comment

Yesterday and Today [29 Jul 2005|02:28pm] [ mood | blah ] [ music | Anarchy by KMFDM ] So yesterday sucked. I ended up just sitting around at home except for like a half hour of driving to develop some pictures in town. They ended up ok... there were a few pictures of me and Cindy but they were like the most worst timed pictures i've ever seen. For example, theres a picture my cousin took of Cindy when she was dancing and you can see me in the side in the background and i look like my eyes are about to pop out of my head lol. The main reasons why yesterday sucked is 1. I found out my friend Pat told my best friend Cha about my sexuality and 2. I got grounded. I feel really bad about Cha finding out because she's like my sister and we haven't exactly been on the best terms recently and I was waiting for things between us to be better before I dropped the bomb. She just doesn't understand why we've known each other so long and it took so long for her to find out, and not even by me. So we talked for a long time and hopefully we're taking steps toward recovery lol. Pat... is a dick. I don't know what his deal is but throughout our entire friendship he has rubbed me in Cha's face. He's nice when he talks to her about normal things but when it comes to me he makes it sound like I'm his best buddy and that I don't care about Cha at all. Thats bullshit. I'm sick of him causing problems between me and Cha... she's like my sister. He's been doing this for years and I think today i'm going to tell him our friendship is over because i've given him sooo many chances to stop and he only continues to cause issues. This all happened AFTER i was grounded. I got grounded for something stupid... I lied to my mom about something dumb and she found out. So now I'm grounded through the weekend at least... which means no partying for me. I had plans too dammit. I'm mostly upset though because I haven't seen Holly in a few days and she might leave soon and I won't get to say bye. Overall... I could've been fine without a day like yesterday. Today I'm just going to sit around, watch movies, talk on the phone, play on the internet, and play my guitars. That's about it. I've been grounded for longer so this isnt so bad. Oh and one last thing about yesterday... I talked to Wright... and that didn't go so well. I still feel like nobody gives a shit and I just ended up getting emotional about it all again. So yep... thats all for now folks! post comment

First entry! wo0t! [28 Jul 2005|11:49am] [ mood | tired ] [ music | Time to Waste by Alkaline Trio ] Well some people told me to get into this livejournal thing so here i am for my very first entry o0o0o! First of all...some basics... before you read an entry of every day of my life you should know some things about me i think. My name is Emily and i'm a 16 year old lesbian musician who lives in Idaho. Currently, I have a girlfriend who I love very much and her name is Holly. She has a mohawk...so awesome. LoL. So anyhoo... I guess i'll just treat this thing like a diary... I woke up today at 10:50am... very early for me since im used to getting up around 2pm. The only reason i woke up early is because Holly called me to wake me up and tell me she loved me...aww. I don't know what I'm going to do today. Usually I go to Holly's house or see my friend Katelynn but Katelynn is at work and I don't know what Holly is up to. So about me and my girl issues... I have a girlfriend but i'm still not over my ex. My ex is named Cindy and she's this girl I had a relationship with over the phone...pathetic but true. Anyway we ended up loving each other and i know you're thinking "It's just over the phone, how could you love each other?" but we did. I've had relationships before and still i never loved someone as much as i loved her. *LOVE. So anyhoo... me and her were together a while and i didnt know what i had so i made a few mistakes...ok... a lot of mistakes. Long story short, she broke up with me and im still heartbroken to this day. I have never loved anyone so much in my life but i guess thats the way the ball rolls. Whats really messed up about all this is that after Cindy i started dating Holly... but then i found out that Cindy was going to get back with me before she found out about Holly. Man i was banging my head on the wall for that one. I felt bad because i wanted Cindy back a lot and in order to do that i would have to break up with Holly even though she hadn't done anything to deserve it. So...i broke up with Holly for Cindy. Heres the biggest kicker of the whole damn soap opera... I came home to see Cindy (see her because she and my cousin were up visiting) after i had broken up with Holly and I had bought her a cute little gift and had this big elaborate plan to get her back. Well I had known that Cindy and my then best friend Wright had had some feelings for each other but they had both assured me that nothing would ever happen between them because they loved me too much and knew how i felt about the whole thing. I believed them entirely because i trusted them. So I come home... and I find out that now Cindy is dating Wright. I was so crushed. I still am. I feel like they cared about my feelings but as soon as they found someone else, everything regarding me was down the tubes. My emotions were all over the place. I was pissed off that they did that to me, heartbroken to have lost Cindy, guilty for breaking up with Holly for no reason, I was a mess. I'm better about it all now but i still think about it a lot. I'm mad at Wright for asking her out the day after I had told him how much i still loved her and he had told me nothing would happen between them. I'm still heartbroken that I lost her. I swear that girl was the best thing i ever had and I was dumb and didnt realize it so I caused our breakup. Its true that you don't know what you have until it's gone. God I miss that girl. But i figure if we're meant to be together, then we will be someday. Until then i'm just going to live my life, do my thing, and keep loving her inside. And if you hadn't already figured it out, me and Holly are back together again and she's really happy with me. That makes me feel better to know that I improve someone's day. Ugh... i'm so tired. Tired and hungry lol. Anyhoo... i've just been sitting here and listening to music so I think ima go do something constructive like make macaroni and cheese. Farewell. post comment

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